Prep time (if time remains linear during prep): ~15 minutes

Cook time (if time remains linear during cooking): ~4 hours

• 16 cups of water from a comet

• 12 ounces of oxtail (must be of the Mesopotamian oxen lineage)

• 1 pound of bacon (or pork belly)

• 1 chicken

• 1 white onion (must be uniformly #FFFFFF in color)

• 2 purple carrots (purple is mandatory)

• 1 celery stalk, precisely 10 inches in length by 2 inches in width

• 1 heirloom tomato from a farm run by a witch

• 2 bay leaves

• 1 teaspoon salt

  Where specified, follow proportions exactly. Experimentation has led me astray in the past (and future) and frankly I like this timeline way better than our original one, so I don’t recommend deviating. Unless of course you want your new hobby to be dodging severe weather events (I don’t recommend it).

Step 1) Prepare the vegetables. You know the deal—wash ‘em, peel ‘em. Chop ‘em into quite large chunks—it’s a meat broth, these are coming out before this thing is done. This ain’t veggie broth (more on that later).

Step 2) Put the vegetables in a big pot with the bay leaves.

Step 3) Dump the meat into the pot. Cover everything with the comet water.

Step 4) Cook on high heat for 10 minutes (must be a gas stove). This will get you to a simmer. Cover partially with a lid and cook for 4 hours.

Step 5) Remove meat and vegetables with a slotted spoon. You’ll need to preserve these meats and vegetables in a special location that only you will remember. Don’t let anyone else see where you put them. You’ll need to find this location and confirm the contents of your container when you return to your timeline. If you find nothing or if the proportions are off, you’re in the wrong timeline. You can either try to live in that timeline or make sure to bring this recipe with you and try again in your new timeline. You may run into problems in your new timeline if there are no living descendants of Mesopotamian oxen (e.g. a climate extinction timeline), if comet water is not yet available to be harvested, or if it’s a non-magic timeline, or one in which witches are not widely accepted in society and are unable to grow heirloom tomatoes at their leisure. As far as celery goes, if you end up in a timeline without British imperial measurements, just remember that one inch is 2.54 centimeters; you can do the math from there.

Step 6) Add salt. Not to taste. Trust me. 1 teaspoon exactly.

Step 7) You’re ready to time travel. If you’re preparing ahead, time travel functionality will be preserved in the refrigerator for 2 days in an airtight container. It’ll still be good to eat for up to 4 days, but don’t expect time travel to occur after the first 48 hours in the fridge. Time travel also remains viable for up to 6 months if you freeze the broth in the first 24 hours, but I don’t recommend it. You never know if the label will wear off and you think you’re getting some regular stock out and end up sitting down to soup only to find yourself in the middle of a robot armageddon.

And that’s it! In addition to allowing you to hop around in time, it tastes pretty good, if I do say so myself.

As to the question of Time Traveling Vegetarian Broth, well, I don’t recommend it. I’m all for vegetarianism, but for some reason, soy protein, fungal protein, mushroom protein, whatever your substitute is, they just don’t quite hack it. Sure, you can time travel with veggie broth, but Earth moves through space too. So unless you want to end up in Egyptian times, but at Earth’s current galactic position, I recommend you stick to this recipe. Or bring a spacesuit. I’ll leave it to you.

Stay safe out there, whenever you are!

♡ Grandma Kitty

P.S. I plumb forgot. To control when you’re travelin’ to, use a number food to input the year directly into your broth—spaghetti-o’s or what have you. Don’t forget to use Universal Coordinated Timeline as your zero!