Slow-Roasted Tenderloin
LL Garland
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Harm to children
Ingredients
20 lbs. flour, or other finely-ground meal
9 gallons molasses
16 blocks butter (reserve 1 for serving)
18 pints ginger
7 cups cinnamon
26 recipes Royal Icing
Assorted candies
Sprig of parsley
Makes 452 sq. ft. open-concept gingerbread cottage.
Serves 1.
Directions
Mix flour, spices, molasses, and 8 blocks of softened butter in a large, cooled cauldron. Don’t sweat the measurements. By the time the children reach your house, they will be famished.
Chill dough overnight. Roll out ½ inch thick. Cut using printable templates.
Preheat oven to 350°F. Bake for 20-25 mins. Don’t overbake. It should be load-bearing, but not inedible.
Wait for the full moon to assemble following template instructions. Note—royal icing will not set in high humidity. (Sorry, no swamp or beach houses.)
Decorate with brightly colored candies. Remember, it’s for the children. Make it as garish as possible.
Wait.
When you finally hear small ravenous fingers scrabbling at your eaves, it’s time to capture and cage your next meal. Note: Small cages work best. Don’t give it room to move or the meat could become tough and sinewy.
These days, most children will arrive pre-marbled. In which case, skip to step 10. Otherwise, start by feeding it leftover jerky. Patience is key.
After three days, start leaving half a block of butter in the cage each morning. Use a pole or stick, they tend to get scratchy at this point. (Expert Tip: harvest its tears to season the au jus.)
During this time, have your trained crows collect any breadcrumbs the child(ren) may have dropped in the woods
Begin the pinch test. When the flesh is pliable and bounces back after a sharp squeeze, it’s ready to butcher.
Center-cut the tenderloin to ensure even cooking. Season generously.
Place tenderloin in a roasting pan in the center of oven. Roast at 225°F, roughly one half hour per pound. Warning: do not go anywhere near your oven without first checking the area for rogue, uncaged children.
Baste every hour. Be careful not to overcook. You aren’t a savage, but a culinary artist.
If desired, coat with melted butter and the gathered breadcrumbs. Cook an extra 15 minutes.
To serve, pour au jus over sliced steak and garnish with parsley. Pair with red wine and a green salad.
Note: Save the bones! With a mill and a bit of elbow grease, you’ll have enough flour to repair any damage to your home before the next meal comes along. And the marrow adds excellent depth of flavor to salad dressings.
About the author:
LL Garland enjoys gaming, writing speculative fiction, and exploring deep, dark woods. She’s been called “disturbingly competitive” at all three. She lives in a house with three dogs and two libraries—a fancy one for show, and a hidden one for the weird stuff. You can find her on Twitter at @ll_garland.
