1. Prepare a room on hydraulic joists

• Must:

  • accommodate up to six adult humans or ten medium-sized children

  • be secure

  • be waterproofed (but not soundproofed)

  • have drainage system

  • have water inlet points

  • tamper-proof loudspeakers installed high on walls

• Sprinkle a liberal amount of Atnas spores (your local diabolical retailer should sell these) on the floor

2. Collect your occupants

• Bundle a minimum of four (preferably adult) unsuspecting early Christmas shoppers off the street. They must, deep down, still believe in Santa, otherwise your spores will reject them

• Relax them by telling them they are involved in an exciting party game organized by an anonymous, philanthropic millionaire. There are big cash prizes for participation and they’ll be home for supper. (You might wish to wear a mask lest your visage frighten them—it’s too soon for that)

• Discard any Christmas goodies they’ve purchased (donate these to less well-off elves)

• Encourage the participants into your designated chamber

• Lock the door and switch off the lights

3. Preparing for fermentation

• Play inane Christmas pop music at high volume on a loop for 24 hours

• Pour lukewarm water into the room up to neck level

• Maintain ambient temperature between 75 and 88 degrees Fahrenheit

• Record the screams and shrieks

4. Maturation

• Leave contents of the room to steep for five days in madness, adrenaline, blood, and other bodily fluids

• On day six, shake the room with increasing force (continue to record sounds, if any)

• Rest on day seven

5. Pouring and setting the mold

• You can now drain the sentient, semi-solid, protein-rich sludge into your Santa 3D mold (please use the correct size: for a ‘normal’ Santa you will need the minimum, equivalent mass of four to five well-fed adult humans)

• Replay the cries of horror to help it relax and solidify

• Inject cochineal and other edible dyes to get the correct look

6. Sustainability and eating

• On Christmas Eve, release Santa into your locality to turn little human offspring into future believers (and vital ingredients)

• Once it has wandered around enough, your Santa will return, quite spent

• Lie it down, and soothe its ebbing life with recorded cries of anguish. Slice thinly

• Eat some now, and smoke the rest. It will sustain you and your family over the harsh spring and summer months