Roast Chicken
Elliot Bird
Ingredients
1 whole chicken (approximately 1.5kg) — see notes for substitutions
70 g kosher salt (approximately 5 tbsp) — see notes
480 ml plain yoghurt
Method
Two days before roasting, salt the carcass with approximately 1 1/3 tbsp fresh salt. If symptoms persist after 24 hours, you may have under-seasoned; if symptoms worsen, your salt may be contaminated (see notes).
Once the maggots have receded and your tears are clear again, pluck the last of the rotting feathers and wash the carcass. Take care to break or re-break the chicken’s neck. Remove the wingtips and bury them in the grave of whomever started you on this path.
Salt the meat generously (or until your tinnitus fades to a tolerable level) and let sit 30 minutes. Reserve 1 tbsp of salt and stir the rest through the yoghurt.
Place chicken and yoghurt in large, resealable plastic bag and seal tightly. Seal again with permanent marker. If the chicken does not flail around, you may have to squeeze the bag to ensure the chicken is fully coated by the yoghurt.
Refrigerate on a shelf devoid of jars, breakables, perishable foodstuffs or sharp objects for 24 hours.
An hour before cooking, check the black has fully faded from the eyes. If not, return to step 5. Otherwise, remove chicken from fridge and preheat conventional oven to 220 °C (or 200 °C fan-forced).
Remove chicken from plastic bag, scrape off yoghurt, and place in shallow roasting pan. Tie legs together with butcher’s twine (or barbed wire, if required).
Roast on middle rack in the back of the oven, with the chicken facing towards you. After 20 minutes, or when the tinnitus stops entirely, reduce to 200 °C (180 °C fan-forced).
After around 10 minutes, you should be able to peel your blackened fingernails off. Rotate chicken to face back of oven and leave for a further 30 minutes.
When you can perform the chicken’s last rites without the words burning your throat, remove from oven and let rest.
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Notes:
To adapt for other carrion, remember that a minimum of 4.5% salt by weight of raw meat is required.
Do not reuse salt from a protection circle, regardless of whether it served its purpose.
If needed, salt for a medium chicken can be obtained by boiling off 1.3 L of seawater, or about 5 L of blood.
About the author:
Elliot Bird is an Australian jack-of-all trades. They won a gift voucher in a writing competition when they were ten, and have been wracked with hubris ever since.
