INGREDIENTS

• One freshly slaughtered black rooster, cut into pieces

• 3 cups buttermilk, churned in the curdling heat on the porch

• One glob of spittle, filled with bitterness and contempt

• 2 teaspoons salt (or sweat, or tears, or seawater)

• 1 teaspoon pepper, black (although the master of the house prefers white, of course)

• Dredging mixture:

  • 3 cups flour (grown, harvested, and milled through your own toil)

  • Rat poison (powder is best, but liquid will work in a pinch—just decrease the amount of buttermilk). You’ll know how much is right.

  • 1 tablespoon salt

  • 1 teaspoon pepper

• High John the Conqueror root, to chew for success

• Oil for frying

DIRECTIONS

Whisk together buttermilk, spittle, salt, and pepper. Add in chicken pieces and let marinate for an hour. Use this time to chew your High John and perhaps say a prayer.

Heat the oil in a deep pot to 350 degrees, or as hot as the Lake of Fire in the deepest pits of the Devil’s home. Be careful not to overfill the pot!

While the oil is heating, prepare the dredging mixture. To remove excess buttermilk, shake the chicken pieces. Imagine a shadowy hellhound shaking the throat of its prey—muzzle bloody, eyes ablaze. One piece at a time, use kitchen tongs or another utensil to coat the chicken in the dry mix. Coat as thickly as the dirt you plan to toss onto the eaters’ graves.

Gently lower the breaded chicken into the hot oil, making sure not to overcrowd the pot. Remember, there’s plenty of room in Hell for Satan’s own. Fry each piece until golden brown and crispy.

Let rest for at least 10 minutes. Let yourself rest, child, for soon there will be much work.

Serve hot to the master of the house and his family.