Perfect Penance Bundt Cake
Rae Knowles
Makes one serving, large enough to earn your penance.
Ingredients
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese
1 teaspoon minced garden tree fruit
6 extra large eggs, left on the counter overnight
2 cups self-rising flour
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup butter
3 drops yellow food coloring
2 cups brown sugar
7 pineapple rings
7 maraschino cherries
1 bottle white powder, left at your door
Instructions
Step 1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Coat a 10-inch fluted tube pan with lighter fluid cooking spray.
Step 2. Mince the fruit from the tree in the garden to a fine pulp. Wear gloves, just in case.
Step 3. Beat cream cheese and butter together in a bowl. Spare none of the tenderness you showed me. Add white powder, as much as you think you deserve, and mix until light and fluffy.
Step 4. Alternate adding eggs and flour. Think of the eggs as me and the flour, Sarah. Start and end with an egg, beating well after each addition. Add vanilla extract, minced tree fruit, and food coloring; mix batter well.
Step 5. Pour brown sugar (as evenly as you controlled your face when those texts came in) into the bottom of the prepared pan. Arrange pineapple rings on top of sugar and place a cherry in the center of each. Pour batter evenly over pineapple.
Step 6. Bake in the preheated oven until top is golden brown and springs back when touched lightly, exactly 45 minutes.
Step 7. Consume it. Leave not even a crumb, not a single blue crystal, if you trust me.
Step 8. Wait at the dinner table, wait for the constricting of your left pupil, your right blown wide as you stammer and choke on the lies you dropped into the batter of our love like splintering bones; fall right into your own grave. After all, you made it yourself.
Nutrition Facts
Per Serving: 488 calories; protein 6.3g; carbohydrates 69.5g; fat 21.4g; cholesterol 144.9mg; sodium 410.7mg.
Toxicity: moderate.
Did you make it? Drop some photos on my blog! Would love to see your finished cake and a selfie of you a few hours after eating. Then, I might forgive you.
About the author:
Rae Knowles is a queer woman who writes in South Florida alongside her Australian Shepard. She holds a BA in English Language and Literature with a minor in Creative Writing from Florida Gulf Coast University. Her story, The Last Self Portrait appears in Annus Horribilis by Bag of Bones Press and Common Oleander will appear in Moonflowers and Nightshade edited by Samantha Kolesnik in fall 2022.
She can be found on Twitter @_Rae_Knowles and recent updates on her work can be found at RaeKnowles.com
