Ingredients

• 1 cup butter, softened

• 1 cup sugar

• 2 eggs

• 2 tsp vanilla extract

• 1 tsp baking soda

• 3 cups flour

• 2 cups chocolate chips

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350° F.

2. Wait for Mother’s withering glare.

3. Ask yourself: Do you deserve treats? You?

4. Look in the mirror and adjust ingredients to self-esteem.

Ingredients

• 1 0.5 cups butter, softened

• 1 0.5 cups sugar

• 2 1 egg

• 2 1 tsp vanilla extract

• 1 0.5 tsp baking soda

• 3 1.5 cups flour

• 2 cups chocolate chips

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350° F again.

2. Open Facebook. Your mother has tagged you in “10 Dieting Tricks Doctors Don’t Want You to Know.” Facebook warns you about misinformation.

3. Open Instagram. Your cousin is eating a hamburger. He’s allowed to. He has abs.

4. Cream the butter and sugar until smooth. Poke your belly, let your finger sink in deep.

   Deeper than that. Deeper.

5. Throw the butter and sugar away.

6. Adjust ingredients to self-esteem.

Ingredients:

• 1 0.5 cups 1 tbsp butter, softened

• 1 0.5 cups 1 tbsp sugar

• 2 1 egg

• 2 1 0.5 tsp vanilla extract

• 1 0.5 tsp baking soda

• 3 1.5 cups flour

• 2 cups chocolate chips

• 1 spool cotton*

• Brown food coloring

Directions:

1. Turn the oven off.

2. Add food coloring to vanilla extract.

3. Dye the cotton with the mixture until it resembles chocolate.

4. Sprinkle with sugar and butter from the trash if you must. It’s better if you don’t. Mother might love you more if you don’t.

5. Shape the dough into small balls, each the size of a tablespoon.

6. Try the nice clothes Mother bought you three years ago. If they don’t fit, eat a cookie.

7. Eat nothing else.

8. Keep eating, until they fit.

*You may substitute the cotton with sawdust for a chewier texture.

Nutritional Information:

Servings: 12 Cookies

Per Serving: 10.5 Calories, 0g protein, 0g carbohydrates, 1g fat, 2 years therapy, 1 lifetime self-hatred.